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come home before I left Kharemough.
"Are thou certain this is the right course? After all, thou're only a boy--" I
saw the trembling of his hands, which he usually controlled so well.
"Father, I'm nearly twenty standards. I already have more degrees than HK and
SB put together. I can't spend the rest of my life studying, preparing for
something--" For something I would never have. "I'm a grown man. And I'm
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43
JOAN D. VINGE
not thy heir. It would be dishonorable for me to live here any longer." But
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more than that, living with my brothers had finally become unbearable.
"Scholarship is a respected calling in its own right.
Thou could at least remain here on Kharemough, and teach--"
"No." I bit my lip, seeing the pain in his eyes. But the pain of staying would
be far worse.
"Thou know . . ." His mouth resisted the words.
". . thou know that I'm not young. It's true that thou're last in line to
inherit. But to leave Kharemough ... If something were to happen to thy
brothers--"
"Nothing will happen to them, Father " If only it would! The violence of the
thought almost blinded me. I
blinked and glanced away, afraid that he would read it in my
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eyes, and know.. .. "What could happen to them here?"
With malicious spite, my mind showed me half a dozen fatal possibilities.
He shook his head, leaning against the ancient mantelpiece below the
picturescreen. "What, indeed. A
weakling and a parasite, left in control of our holdings when I'm gone." His
hand clenched. "Thy mother has no interest in her responsibilities here. And
without thee to oversee--"
"They won't listen to me when . . . when HK is head of family. It's better if
I leave, better for the family."
He sighed. "If only SB had gone in thy place; as he should have, years ago. If
only he had been born with thy sense of honor, or HK with thy intelligence. .
. ." He looked up at me. "Or if thou had been born first." His eyes held mine,
searching.
I took a deep breath, suddenly finding the courage to say what I had never
dared to say before. "Father, I
know the wisdom of the laws. They were intended to keep society in the control
of the ones most capable of running it well. But... but here in our family,
they don't
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44
WORLD S END
. . . they don't seem ..." I went on in a rush, "By our sainted ancestors,
Father, can't thou disinherit them? It would be justice--"
"Enough!" He pushed away from the mantel, rigid with anger. "You've said
enough! It's not in my hands.
You will not mention it again."
You. Not thou. It stung like a slap. "Forgive me, Father."
I bowed, whispering, "I had no right." I kept my burning face averted. "May I
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have . . . your permission to leave you?"
"No."
I started as I felt his hands on my shoulders. I looked up into his dark eyes
as clear as garnets. He had been an old man when I was born, but now for the
first time in
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my life I saw that he was old.
"Thou are all I have that makes me proud," he said, and he hugged me, for the
first time since my childhood.
I was so surprised that I almost pulled away. "I would give up my life for
thee, gladly ... but I cannot go against the laws." And yet his eyes implored
me to understand something more--something that was beyond his power, but not
beyond mine.
"I know," I said, answering only his words. I looked down. I still felt his
touch, even after his hands dropped away. I gazed out the window at the
gnarled gray stone of the pinnacle on which the main house sat. I felt the
overwhelming weight of a thousand years of tradition pressing down on me,
immobilizing me. "I--I would like to go down to the places of our ancestors
now, and meditate."
He nodded, his face stern with disappointment. He turned away from me, leaning
heavily against the mantel.
"Yes. Say a prayer for us all." [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]